Help, I'm Alive
by TamedCapture
Summary: He had come undone. She was becoming unhinged. Would that ever be enough?


**Author's Note: This is a one shot. Enjoy and Review!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

My days are filled with anguish. My nights are filled with emptiness.

There is no weakness in forgiveness but there is one with forgetting. That day never comes.

You're not quite sure how you ended up here, but you did. You feel beaten, battered and torn.

All is fair in love and war.

What a tormented thought to have. Being in love means war and war means fighting for that love. There is never a day of solace.

The heart wants what the heart wants and everyday you fight for it.

Is it a state of oblivion? Yes. Is it a state of oblivion? No.

It's right in front of your face but yet you're still a bit blindsided.

It happened so fast and you wonder how things could have gotten so bad. Because in every fiber of your being you feel like it wasn't right. That everything was okay and in place but fear got in the way.

You're better off on your own, but you really aren't. You find peace when your with them and distress when their gone.

It just never gets easy. It never gets simple.

Always will it be hot and always will it be cold. Complete opposites, fire and ice.

Fierce with sassiness and solid with broodiness, blonde versus brunette, everything just seemed to make sense in an obverted way.

It's that crushing feeling against your chest you can't get away. Well you can, but it's because of him.

You're a broken mess with shattered pieces of who you are lying all around.

It's like that little silly quote you always tend to hear but you don't believe it until you experience it.

The one that makes you cry is exactly the person who can stop you from crying. It's true.

It's like screaming but no one can hear you. You're completely silent and invisible.

Nothing and none can save you, not even him.

It's the sense of feeling shame that you let that one person in you always told yourself you wouldn't.

Guilty for letting that person become so important to you that without them you feel hopeless.

No one ever understood it, and no one still does.

And for one moment all you can do is think about all the good and bad things that you've ever endured with them.

You think that you could do it on your own but you lose so much along the way.

It makes you want all the bad stuff, just so you can get that one moment of happiness.

With every ounce of her that she could muster, wishes that she could stop her heart from loving him.

But that house she built inside her head was solid and the one that's sitting inside her head now, isn't.

It's full of holes, and he's never coming home.

_Julie couldn't help but fester in her own thoughts of earlier events that had occurred. Her brain was dancing with the downfall that Tim experienced. The one she would endure soon and at home later._

_She had seen Tim explode before but that was over her and it was some measly kid just trying to be nice to her. It wasn't her fault or the guys that he usually drifted from her into the pit of the parties they attended._

_To the point that he had today, almost scared her. Had he really been cowering away from the real issue? One that seemed to her havoc but slowly etching along. _

_Julie had never once told Tim that he couldn't express his feelings but they should in the right context. It was all about timing in Dillon. _

_But it seemed every time she turned around, another day, another night, he was going off. _

_It shouldn't have mattered because he had a right to but today caused not only devastation for him, or for her but her parents. Any other day, the moment he laid his eyes upon her she knew it was already over with._

_Tim had never been one for words. Actions spoke loud and clear, and by actions, it meant through sex._

_Fights, tears, broken language usually ended up in his gritty room laid out. _

_It was right, it was home. But today it wasn't and neither has it been. That intimacy was rare and vulnerable. _

_Julie never thought she would be in the type of relationship like that. It wouldn't be all about sex but more based on the loyalty, the trust, the support and especially the love. _

_Tim showed her that it could be but at the same time showed the opposite. _

_Love that held no bounds similar to her parents but Julie knows that it's uncommon for a couple to be like that. _

_When she had dated Matt, she thought it could be possible but her love with Matt never compared to her love for Tim._

_It never pushed her to try so hard. _

_Her hands nervously twitched, her right jean clad leg shook violently against the tiled floor in the Riggin's living room. _

_She was trying to get comfortable on the couch but she just couldn't. _

_Silence here used to be golden. _

_Julie knew that Tim probably wouldn't like the idea that she was here. It's not as if he told her to meet him or that she even casually said she would be heading over to his place._

_Technically there had been no time for it. Not in between the yelling, the punches, all the choices. _

_She had made use out of his bedroom window plenty times before, those times were excused, and this time was not. _

_The line may have been crossed. _

_She had to. She need to answers for him but more importantly her._

_The position that she was in wasn't normal. She should know what was going on with her boyfriend even if her boyfriend was Tim. _

_She thought he was okay. _

_Promise not to bend or break. She was going to have structure._

_The rumblings from Tim's big black pickup truck could be heard down the block as he rounded the corner onto his street. _

_It was slowly approaching the house and Julie felt her stomach toss and turn. She felt her face flush with a bright redness, almost tomato like as her body temperature rose. She was going to pass out or be sick. _

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. _

_Her plan of action was going to take place. She did not go through all of this trouble to just let it fall through the cracks. _

_The rumblings sound died down as the truck ignition was turned off. The door was slammed shut with such a ferocity she was sure the glass window could have shattered._

_As the dragging footsteps from his steel toed boots pounding across the pavement, Julie held her breath._

_Not quite sure what to do, if she should just sit there, stand up or run away. _

_The silver thirty-three that held from Tim's keys clinked against the door frame as he twisted to unlock it. _

_Tim pushed the door open in a hazy manner immediately throwing his football bag to the ground. _

_It had taken him a couple minutes before he recognized a figure across the room, stiff in her position on his couch._

_He was curious as to how she got inside, "How'd you get in here?"_

_Taking a moment to collect herself, she found her voice, "I climbed through your bedroom window."_

_He thought he had locked it this morning before he left but apparently he had not._

_Walking across the room, passing right by Julie, headed for the refrigerator. Opening it, he grabbed an ice cold beer._

"_Nice handy work Jules. Never thought you had it in you to break and enter." He said popping the cap off._

_How was she to reply to that? He had come undone. She was becoming unhinged. His comment had slightly pissed her off when it shouldn't have because he was right. She did break into his house but the all mighty Tim Riggins in his lifetime had done worse. _

_Her thoughts were becoming rapid and messy._

"_You want to talk about handy work Tim? How about we talk about your handy work?" she replied with venom. "What the hell was that today at practice?"_

_Sitting down on the coach, "I don't want to talk about it." _

_She moved her body sideways facing him, her brows furrowed. "You aren't going to be silent. You're going to open that stupid mouth of yours."_

"_Go home Jules. I'm not in the mood for one of your all highly precious speeches." He muttered staring blankly at the television._

_She was taken aback. She knew that Tim could be cold and slightly immoral with his words but not in this way. Not to her. _

_To him, all the noise, all the voices never stopped. _

_Her jaw was slouched slightly open trying to process what he just said to her. She took a deep breath in, looking around the room, sighing. _

_He was going for blood._

"_I'm not going anywhere." She stated._

_Tim placed his beer down on the table, "Then I'll go." He stood up but Julie's quick reflexes caught him off guard pulling his arm causing him to fall back into the couch._

"_Why did you do it?" she questioned."Why did you say those things to Matt?"_

"_Jules…"_

"_No Tim!" she yelled. "You threw all the trust that I had gave you! That was private between you and me. No one else was supposed to know!" _

_The whole Dillon Panther Football team now knew what they had gone through. Not even her parents knew because Julie didn't have the guts to tell them._

_They had planned on doing it together. _

_It never happened. _

_Her hand flew across his face so fast that it made her head spin. She threw out the blame rightfully wanting to see him fall. You can't fall when you've already hit rock bottom. _

"_We promised each other to never tell anyone." She measly said as her voice cracked. The water was filling her eyes clouding her vision, "You told complete strangers. You told my father! He's going to hate me. He's going to hate you. Doesn't that mean something to you?"_

_Eric Taylor had accepted Tim graciously into the Taylor Clan when they had announced their decision to date. He wasn't keen on it but he knew deep down Tim was an honorable kid. He had his rough times which lead to rough decisions. Nothing was meant to be callous. _

_Now that would all change. For the simple fact that he had taken his little girls innocence and turned it into a heartless battle within himself on the field because of a simple comment._

_He had turned Julie into a liar. _

_Julie didn't believe that. She never told her parents everything about her social or even her own deep personal feelings no matter how much they meddled. _

_Tim sat silently, brooding intact, not even able to make eye contact with her. He knew she was right. He had no right to do what he had in a blind fury. _

_He couldn't take it back and no amount of words could make it better. _

_The tears finally broke the surface treading silently down her rounded cheeks, "Are you going to say anything?" _

"_I'm sorry." Is it ever going to be enough?_

_Julie shoulders shuddered, her breathing becoming shallow as the tears came out harder. _

_All Tim could think to do was pull her into his arms. _

"_You were there with me. You went through this to…you lost our baby too." It was all that she could manage to hiccup as she lay in the crook of his arm. _

_Several hours later, and not a word had been spoken. _

_Only the shedding of tears and the sound of heavy breaths. _

_From this moment on nothing was going to be the same. Through a few short and meaningful screams laid the balance of their relationship at the moment._

_It was fragile and it had been Tim's turn to cross the line. _

_Tim found that there was no reason to scream because he knew if one of them had, it was done._

_It signaled all that he wanted to avoid. It was the clarification that they needed space alone and to move on properly from this tragedy. _

_They were always right there in front of each other that neither had time to break and heal. _

_Julie was constantly trying to hold it together so she didn't relish the fact onto unsuspecting eyes and he was trying to be strong for her. _

_Whether Julie would understand or not was another story. He knew that if he waited things would just get worse. Things would never be able to regain focus and they might not have a chance of ever getting back together. If he did it now, maybe, just maybe, it would. _

_His eyes castrated down upon her hesitating in his next step. His voice low, "Jules?"_

_She lifted her head to look straight into his eyes, her hands sliding down his arms sending a vibration of chills down the back of his spine, "Yeah?"_

_Tim couldn't help but think that Julie looked utterly beautiful in that moment. Her long blonde hair stuck to her face, her eyes puffy from crying, and her freckles hidden beneath the layer of redness._

_He placed both of his hands on her face, framing it, just looking at her._

_It was going to hurt him a lot more than it was going to hurt her. He had no one. Mostly due to his actions lately and definitely today. She had her parents. She'd make it. _

_He spoke clear. He spoke the absolute truth. He finally had found the words._

"_I love you Jules. More than you know. I tried so hard to be strong for you so you could have someone to depend on. I just can't…I can't do it any more." _

_Julie bottom lip trembled and she bit it hoping that it would stop her from crying again. That never worked. She closed her eyes. _

"_I need you to go home and fix what I caused. Your parents are going to be mad but they are going to love you still. I'm going to still love you and I need you to believe that. To trust that from me even if you don't trust anything else." _

"_Please don't do this." She pleaded._

"_We need to be apart so I can get my head on straight. I'm lost." _

"_I promise I will help you this. I will carry you through it all. I can save you." _

"_I know. I know." was all he could bare to say. He leaned forward placing a chaste kiss on her forehead. "I promise this isn't goodbye." _

_He may have promised that it wasn't goodbye but it was. She could feel it. She was silent. The breath sucked right out of her. She couldn't get any words out, just a shattered stare. _

"_I'm going to go into my room and when I come back out, I expect you to have gone home." He said releasing his hands away from her face, getting up and disappearing into the hall. _

It was the last words he spoke to her in over a month.

She placed the picture frame that held a capture of her and Tim surprisingly. Her mother had gotten a new camera and was messing around with it and caught it as a candid. She loved the picture so much that she got two copies printed, one for her and the other for Tim. Instead of keeping it in his room like she did, his was in the dashboard of his truck.

She wondered if it was still in that spot or if he already got rid of it.

She stood there looking at it for a split second before leaving her bedroom. Walking down the hall she heard the familiar chatter on the television. It was football. Typical!

When she heard it, she thought maybe it was part of the football tape, but as her view of the living room came in clearer it wasn't.

Tim.


End file.
